Things I Will Never Say To The People Who Have Wronged Me

I don’t like confrontation. I will avoid it all costs. As a libra, it is my astrological duty to help retain balance in the universe, and that means not engaging in petty arguments or facing problems head on. Instead, when someone steps to me, I back off and let my anger simmer beneath my calm exterior. Even when I played lacrosse, I would apologize to girls on the opposing team when I got the ball away from them or got too near them. “Sorry, guys,” I’d say to their confused mouth-guarded faces. When one of my girlfriends got mad at me about something, I’d change the subject or just hide under my covers until the feeling passed. This is not being passive aggressive, this is just being passive. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could say some things to people who have really burned my biscuits in the past.

1. To the mean receptionist at my internship who asked if I had a brain I say to you: Why yes, I do. And my brain is telling me that you are a 30-something wannabe actress/writer who failed and is now taking out your misery on a 21 year old who has a hope of being successful. Also that sweater makes you look like my grandmother pre-Depression era.

2. To my teacher who will remain nameless but was the worst: You’re the worst. You don’t deserve any more of my time.

3. To the girl in college who called me a slut: You know not what you do, my poor anti-feminist female. Read some bell hooks and some Gloria Steinem and maybe you will realize that I am your sister and you calling me a slut merely perpetuates the hateful language men have used for centuries to tear us down and pit us against one another. Also what the fuck that was RUDE.

4. To the sales associate at Lord and Taylor who said that the “M” next to the “11” on my shoe stood for “monster”: My feet are a point of contention for me and while I do not care that you think my gargantuan feet are akin to that of a frightening creature, it still hurts. I’m but a 17 year old girl (at the time) just trying to deal with my sudden growth spurt.

5. To the lame ex-boyfriend who was a total tool: You have amounted to nothing. Congratulations on your mediocre existence.

6. To the guy on the tube in London who asked me how to get to Liverpool and then slapped me: You’re a drunkard and a menace to society. Go sober up and pick on someone your own BAC.

7. To the people on the tube who watched this man slap me and did nothing: You’re all bloody tossers!

8. And finally…to the checkout guy who wrinkled his nose when I bought tampons: Don’t even get me started, bro.

I’m really nice though! I promise! Just don’t get on my bad side or you may end up on here.

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27 Comments

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27 responses to “Things I Will Never Say To The People Who Have Wronged Me

  1. hahahaaha had me dying at #2…

  2. I love that you brought Gloria Steinem into this–amen, sister. And I’m totally with you on the foot thing. Apparently I have wide feet and people feel like it’s completely acceptable to comment on them–like total strangers. Not cool at all. Thanks for this post today, it made me smile!

  3. mamarific

    Greatness! I have always wanted to make a list like this. How did it feel to tell them all off, in one fell swoop?

  4. He slapped you? WHAT? No I’m sorry even my passiveness wasn’t gonna stand for that …
    This is like all the things you want to say after an argument is finished .. cool post

    Er your foot is rather large

  5. Ran into you on Yeah Write. Glad I stopped by … pretty amusing stuff.

  6. As a fellow Libra I’m glad to know there is a valid reason for my desire to not rock the boat. To all the asshats you dealt with–screw ’em!

  7. This is the funniest and wisest post I’ve read all day. Who in the world tells a young girl she’s a monster?

  8. What a fun idea for a post. Oddly, this one works in conjunction with the one I have up for Yeah Write! I hope that you have found your voice and no longer allow people to saw/do such cruel things to you. It’s okay to use your claws to protect yourself, you know?

  9. Jen T

    I’m not one for confrontation either. Or if I think of something to say, it’s usually 20 minutes later. Loved this!

  10. This must have been very cathartic for you! Hmmm, maybe I need to start writing a list as well. Nice post! 🙂

  11. A DUDE SLAPPED YOU ON THE TUBE?!?! Oh my gosh. I have no words. I loved this and think your replies are spot on. Love.

  12. #1 – excellence right out of the gate! I can’t believe the things some of those people said to you. And a guy slapped you? Oh girl, you show such restraint in saving it for here, but that’s class, to be sure and your retorts are priceless. I’ll bet it felt pretty damn good writing them. I know it felt good reading them.

  13. oh dear god is this funny stuff. I hear you sister. only i’m a virgo. 😉

  14. Wait a tiny minute! I used to be you. Let me tell you, it feels good to leave that passivity behind. My forties were a time of great awakening, and if a guy slaps me in public, he’ll either have my fist in his throat or my foot in his junk, depending on how tall he is.

  15. The Lord and Taylor thing made me choke on my water. You are hilarious!

    And I’m of the mind that everyone should read some bell hooks.

  16. I’m a fellow passive Libran balancer, but I sometimes find myself rehashing scenarios and rehearsing some responses I could make, if the situation should ever happen again. They haven’t so far; or if they have, they haven’t followed the script in my head, which is just inconsiderate!

    I think I’m better off just finding a well to scream down. Do you wish you could have given your responses in person?

  17. There’s only one way to get revenge…burn them. BURN THEM ALL! (Although this post was nice too)

  18. lol! I understand exactly how you feel. I don’t think there’s any one more passive than I am. So I support you wholeheartedly – stick it to them!!!

  19. Darn, those people really deserved the pleasure of your rebuttle! Awesome!

  20. Ria

    Oh God! Hahaha. No. 1 was the funniest. And I have big feet too. Mine are spread out in the front like the webbed feet of a turtle and would have definitely gotten the monster comment too. But if I had been there I would have given the man an unamused and mean look, which would have put him in his right place. After all you were the customer.

    Anyway, thank for the laugh. 🙂

  21. This was a great post to read. I especially liked the sassy one-liners. But please tell me I won’t get slapped when I visit London later this year?? Eeeeek!

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