I don’t like confrontation. I will avoid it all costs. As a libra, it is my astrological duty to help retain balance in the universe, and that means not engaging in petty arguments or facing problems head on. Instead, when someone steps to me, I back off and let my anger simmer beneath my calm exterior. Even when I played lacrosse, I would apologize to girls on the opposing team when I got the ball away from them or got too near them. “Sorry, guys,” I’d say to their confused mouth-guarded faces. When one of my girlfriends got mad at me about something, I’d change the subject or just hide under my covers until the feeling passed. This is not being passive aggressive, this is just being passive. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could say some things to people who have really burned my biscuits in the past.
1. To the mean receptionist at my internship who asked if I had a brain I say to you: Why yes, I do. And my brain is telling me that you are a 30-something wannabe actress/writer who failed and is now taking out your misery on a 21 year old who has a hope of being successful. Also that sweater makes you look like my grandmother pre-Depression era.
2. To my teacher who will remain nameless but was the worst: You’re the worst. You don’t deserve any more of my time.
3. To the girl in college who called me a slut: You know not what you do, my poor anti-feminist female. Read some bell hooks and some Gloria Steinem and maybe you will realize that I am your sister and you calling me a slut merely perpetuates the hateful language men have used for centuries to tear us down and pit us against one another. Also what the fuck that was RUDE.
4. To the sales associate at Lord and Taylor who said that the “M” next to the “11” on my shoe stood for “monster”: My feet are a point of contention for me and while I do not care that you think my gargantuan feet are akin to that of a frightening creature, it still hurts. I’m but a 17 year old girl (at the time) just trying to deal with my sudden growth spurt.
5. To the lame ex-boyfriend who was a total tool: You have amounted to nothing. Congratulations on your mediocre existence.
6. To the guy on the tube in London who asked me how to get to Liverpool and then slapped me: You’re a drunkard and a menace to society. Go sober up and pick on someone your own BAC.
7. To the people on the tube who watched this man slap me and did nothing: You’re all bloody tossers!
8. And finally…to the checkout guy who wrinkled his nose when I bought tampons: Don’t even get me started, bro.
I’m really nice though! I promise! Just don’t get on my bad side or you may end up on here.